Five Times Killian Jones Cries
by sherwhotreksings
Summary: Emma is gone and Killian is heartbroken. Canon divergence after S4 finale.


**A/N: I wrote this right after the s4 finale and just forgot to upload it here, so sorry for the inaccuracy. At least it's fun to read. Also who could've predicted what actually happened way back then?**

The first tear hits the ground the same time the dagger does.

Mary Margaret clutches at David, and Robin wraps his arms around Regina. Killian squeezes his hand into a fist and just stares. She's gone and he doesn't know where she is.

"Hook, take it." Regina stands next to him, not quite touching. "You should have it. She'd want you to keep it."

He doesn't move, or at least he thinks he doesn't until the dagger is at his feet. Shakily, he picks it up. _Emma Swan_. He can't take comfort in that name like he normally does; now it's only a grim reminder of her absence and the pressing issue of time.

"Do you want to stay with us?" Mary Margaret offers.

"No. I want to be alone." Alone. Like he was when Liam died.

"That might not be the best idea at the moment," David chimes in. "Given the situation-"

Killian walks away before he finishes.

At the Jolly, he makes his way to the cabin of the ship. He notices her favorite sweater draped over a railing. He holds the soft knitting to his chest, careful not to rip it with his hook. It smells like her. It smells like salt and cinnamon and some sort of flower he can't identify; roses maybe. He settles down on the armchair by the small heater, setting the dagger on the table in front of him, and the sweater on his lap. He traces the swooping letters of her name with his thumb.

 _Emma Swan_.

He can hardly believe it.

The second tear lands on the E of her name.

He knows it won't work and yet he tries it anyway. He holds the dagger out away from his chest.

"Emma Swan, Dark One, I summon thee." He waits a beat. When nothing happens he shouts it, "Emma Swan! I summon thee!" Still nothing.

He stabs it into the wooden table his brother purchased and curses.

"Swan, just… come back… I love you too," he whispers to the quiet, flickering candlelights.

He leans back, staring at the spot where metal meets wood. It isn't a pleasant sight.

~o~

He wakes up in a cold sweat, Emma's name on his lips. Running a hand through his hair, he recalls the dream. It was her in the cloud of darkness.

"I'm doing this for you," she had mouthed.

The sight of her eyes turning black, followed by a sneer, is burned into his memory and he is struggling to separate reality from imagination. Did he really see a flash of panic in her eyes before disappearing? He shivers and stands up, paces the room, and then leaves the ship all together.

He finds himself in front of the library, staring at the closed sign hanging on the door. That's never stopped him before. He sticks his hook in the lock, and jiggles it before shoving his shoulders into the door. It pops open and he steps inside. He fumbles for the lightswitch, and squints when the harsh fluorescent lights kick on. Maneuvering around the shelves, he pulls books out on anything remotely close to 'the Dark One,' 'darkness,' or 'dark magic.' He settles down at the large table in the back, dumping his armload of books everywhere.

He stays in the library until just before Belle gets there to unlock the door, taking a pile of books with him.

~o~

The third tear falls when he has to face Henry at Granny's in the morning.

Henry runs to him, practically tackling him in a hug, burying his face in his chest. "She's gone, Killian."

Regina and Robin hang back, sitting down in a booth by the door.

Killian hugs Henry with one arm, carefully scratching behind his ear with his hook at the same time. "We'll find her."

Henry steps back. He still looks like it can't possibly be true, and yet it is. "Tell me what happened?"

Killian pleads with his eyes. "Please, lad, don't make me-"

"I need to hear it from you."

The diner goes silent as Killian nods once and sits down, motioning for Henry to sit with him. "We were outside after the Sorcerer's Apprentice died. Emma had sent your grandparents out to see where the darkness went, but it had dispersed into the air."

Everyone in the diner is listening intently to Killian.

"Your mother was the one who realized it was all around us, but it was too late; it materialized around Regina before we could decide what to do…" He squeezes his eyes shut, remembering last night. "...The Dark One was trying to take Regina, Robin tried to save her... he couldn't, she knew that. She said the only way to stop it was to tether it to a person, and thus the dagger again. Regina told her not to, but your mother is one stubborn lass." He lets out a mirthless laugh. "She insisted even when I tried to stop her." He raises his hand, as if it was placed on her chest again. His eyes open slowly and Killian lowers his hand, fingers curling in. "That was when she said…" He can't bring himself to say it.

Regina looks down and away.

"After, she ran over and thrust the dagger into the cloud. It consumed her. We locked eyes and she vanished." He looks around the room, suddenly realizing that everyone was listening to him.

Granny comes over with a glass of rum and places her hand on his shoulder. "She'll come back."

"We _will_ find her, Killian," Regina says forcefully.

"Aye. I'll stop at nothing to find her."

Rehashing that moment leaves him feeling strangled and aching, and once Regina has taken Henry home, he drowns himself in rum and stumbles back to the Jolly.

The dagger mocks him.

~o~

The fourth tear slides down his cheek when he flips through the millionth or so book he's read in the week she's been missing.

He grasps the cursed knife tightly, while turning the pages with his hook. "Please return to me. Please come home. I love you. I love you," is repeated under his breath as he searches in vain for some clue to where she could be. He slams the book closed. "Bloody hell, Swan! You can't even send a signal or something that you're okay?"

His door swings open with a loud thump and his head jerks up.

Emma saunters into the room, swaying her hips with each step. "You summoned me?"

His mouth falls open as he takes in the sight of her; tousled hair, partially unlaced black leather corset, and dark red top. The asymmetrical skirt she's wearing is fitted around her hips and flares out around her knees. It's a skirt that is meant to be worn with short pants or as Emma calls them, leggings, because the short skirt has a slit goes up to right below her hip bone. He tries to suppress a shiver as he notices she isn't wearing any. He also can't help but notice the look that flashes deep in her eyes that seems to say 'I'm-fighting-this-with-all-my-strength,' but it disappears in a blink.

"Emma!" He stands up, dropping the dagger and knocking the book off the table.

She brushes off his concern and strolls forward. "You know, I was wearing something similar to this," she drags a hand down her chest, "when I tried to seduce you in that bar, but of course-" She pushes her shoulders back taking the final few steps to him. "I was more covered then."

His pupils are blown wide, captivated and torn between learning more about his Dark Swan before changing her back to the Savior. "If this is similar to what you were wearing-" he stops mid-sentence when she runs her hands down his chest and around to his butt. "E-Emma?"

She presses her chest against his and moves his hand to her stomach. "Hmm?" she says in a breathy whisper.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm...seducing you." She rolls her hips for emphasis and his eyes flutter shut.

"You…" He blinks, trying to get his mental processing back. "You're…"

Kissing his neck, she pulls him flush against herself. "Shh."

"Darkness," he gasps as she sucks on his pulse point. "I can't let you do this."

She moves to his lips, roughly nipping at his lower one in a fashion similar to what he does. "This is what I am now. Join me." She moans as his hand creeps up to her breasts. "Yes, like that."

He closes his eyes and runs his tongue across the seam of her mouth. She melts and parts her lips, letting his tongue swirl with hers.

"Unlace the corset," Emma commands.

He hungrily grasps at the leather strings with shaky hands. "Wait, Swan." He freezes. "We aren't doing this right now." He pulls away from her.

She groans at the loss of contact and pounces at him, making the backs of his knees knock into the chair. "I want to do this right now."

"But this isn't you." He runs his hook down the side of her face. "I want _you_ here with me when this finally happens." He presses his lips to hers softly, holding her at arm's length after.

"It's still me, I'm just finally letting go. Give in to your dark side, Killian," she growls.

Lust shoots through him as he sees her green eyes turned black from arousal, and can only imagine his own are mimicking them. "I know you're in there, Emma. Come back to me."

"Unless you plan on using your mouth for something other than talking, I'm going to leave. I know I can find someone who's willing to give me what I want if you refuse."

His eyebrows practically fly off his face and he catches her wrist with his hook as she turns to go. He takes a deep breath with his snap decision. "No need to go to anyone else, love. I'll make your knees weak." He says gravelly, thickening his accent on purpose, and yanking her closer. "But you have to do something for me first." He tangles his fingers in her hair.

"Anything," she says as she unbuttons his shirt, pushing it open, and dusting his chest with kisses.

"Remind me of what I said to you before you left to find Lily," he growls.

She stops, anger coursing through her veins, the lightbulb above them exploding. "I know what you're doing," she flicks her wrist, rope appearing and tying his hand and hook together in the front. "and it's not going to work." She pushes him into the chair behind him, straddling his lap.

He struggles to make a connection and as she comes close enough he whispers, "Your parents, Henry...me."

She tenses up and inhales sharply.

He says it again, louder and slower this time, "Your parents. Henry. Me."

Her eyes flash, a war being fought within her head.

"Emma, hear me, love. Listen to me. Fight the darkness, I know you can do it."

A wicked smirk crosses her mouth and for a moment he thinks he's lost her, until the rope holding him back goes slack. He quickly places both his hook and hand on the side of her face, resting their foreheads together. Her brow creases, emotions dancing through her eyes.

"Your parents, Henry, and me." He kisses her fiercely.

He can feel the magic coursing through his veins and pulsing in the air around them.

She screams and slumps against him, crying quietly.

"Emma," he whispers, relieved, "I love you. I love you so much. I love you, Emma." He smooths the hair away from her face.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out, sobbing into his shoulder.

He shifts her to sit sideways on his lap, rocking her gently back and forth. "Shh...shh. I'm here. It's okay now." He cradles the back of her neck. "You defeated it. It's gone. It's over."

She desperately grips his shirt, breathing deeply to get her tears under control. "I killed someone again, Killian."

"I don't care." He tilts her head to meet his eyes. "You vanquished the Dark One and that's all that's important, not what you did with the darkness guiding you." He pries one hand off his shirt in order to place it flat over his heart. "Just focus on the beating." He holds her hand there, lacing their fingers together momentarily before letting go.

She scoots down to press her ear there instead, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry…"

He wipes a few stray tears away and kisses the top of her head. "You'll make it through this, Swan."

After several minutes, Killian's right leg starts falling asleep. He fidgets uncomfortably, not wanting to make Emma move.

"Couch?" she asks hopefully.

He glances the clock on the wall. "It's late and you need sleep." He jostles her leg gently with his and stands up slightly.

"I don't want to be alone," she says in a frenzy, clinging to his neck.

He takes a deep breath and wraps his arms around her tighter before standing up fully, holding her to him. "You aren't. You won't be." He brings her to his room and lays her on the bed. "Sleep here tonight."

She nods slowly and pulls clumsily at the strings of her corset. "Can you help?" she sighs.

"Aye." He always thought the first time he'd do this would be under very different circumstances, but he doesn't mind, not really.

She peels the corset off once it's untied and drops it on the floor with a content sigh, then crawls under the covers. He scratches behind his ear as he wonders where to sleep. She catches the look on his face and holds out her hand for him, offering to share the bed. He takes it, but instead of joining her, he sits on the floor by her head. He replaces her hand over his heart and strokes her hair. Her hand goes limp slowly as she drifts to sleep, leaving just the tips of her fingers pressed lightly to his chest.

The fifth tear drips to the floor.


End file.
